I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Back in late February, in a fit of “something’s gotta give”, I applied for a job in London. A few days ago, I was told I got it. I’m happy, but it turns out that there are quite a few things about the position that aren’t what I thought, so I’m on the fence about taking it.
The idea of living London is thrilling, and it’s still true that something has got to give, but I find myself wondering if it’s really worth it to turn my life upside down for this job that I can’t see myself staying in for more than a year or two, if that. There are so many pros and cons that my head is spinning, and if I hear one more person say, “well, it’s your decision”, I might scream.
On one hand, the move in itself isn’t going to make me happy. If it’s just the same old life in a different city, I’m better off staying here, to be honest. But on the other hand, it could be a great first step towards breaking the destructive patterns I seem to be stuck in.
At the very least I think it would be good for my writing. I would have regular working hours; fifteen hour days would be a thing of the past. I would have weekends again, vacations, and free time every evening with no chance of it being interrupted by an assignment that needs immediate attention. Just the thought of that makes me a little giddy. It’s been so long since I’ve had time that was truly my own. There’s always that nagging thought in the back of my mind that tells me I might get work any second. In fact, as I’m writing this, it’s ten o’clock at night, and my phone just trilled at me.
(I’ve developed a twitch in response to the email noise on my phone. You think I’m kidding? I’m not kidding!)
When I applied, I had some conditions in mind for what I needed in order to say yes to the job. I was prepared to negotiate on some, but now it’s become clear that very few things about the position actually meet those conditions. Perhaps I should have said no right away, because I really feel that I’m worth more than they’re offering. But here I am, thinking about throwing all those real, legitimate concerns out the window and just go for it, consequences be damned. After all, I’ve been talking a lot about how necessary it is for me to make changes, and sometimes you just got to take a chance. But maybe not this one?